Posted on   February 14, 2016

Two years ago I wrote a post,   Genetically Modified Runners,   in which I explained how a local, small-time operation offered supplements to area runners containing horse DNA that dramatically improved performance.

I’m an over-the-hill runner doing a small-time blog with no prospects of hitting it big. But if I could take over this under-the-table operation and make the supplements undetectable, I’d have a one-of-a-kind product so effective, demand would be off the charts. And, I’d make lots of money.

Long story short, using chemistry I learned in college, and with the assistance of an accomplished research chemist, I struck gold.

It didn’t take long for runners to start showing up at my door. At first it was top area runners, then national stars. Within weeks, Olympic hopefuls from around the world were booking flights to Spokane, Washington. I became a very, very busy “running consultant”.

It was heady, heady times for me. Rubbing shoulders with the world’s running elites, invitations to overseas meets to watch races from the VIP room, shaking hands with Olympic champions past and present. I was a MAJOR somebody!

I had the world in my hand, but I wanted more. A European runner training for the Olympics, who’d made several large purchases, asked if I’d consider giving him a volume discount.

I flew into a rage. I screamed he’d be a nobody without my supplement. I told him his price just doubled, and I meant it.

Big mistake. My shouting was overheard, and the runner was questioned by his country’s track and field governing body. He spilled the beans – all of them.

Word spread, and my business has dried up. I was subpoenaed, and despite my denials of wrongdoing, I’ve realized stonewalling will only delay the inevitable.

Yesterday, I found out the investigation is nearly done, and an indictment is at hand. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m going to be spending a lot of time in a very tiny room with a concrete floor.

I’ve never been arrested, and when they come for me, I don’t want to come across as a klutzy oaf. I know it seems silly, but it’s likely to be a news event, and I want to look good.

I’ve been practicing putting my hands behind my back. My first tries felt so awkward. I knew I wasn’t doing it right.

After a lot of practice, I finally have it down.

When they put me into the car, I don’t want look awkward or hit my head, so I’ve been practicing that, too.

So, my fellow running club members, as I’m being transported to jail, keep in mind I can’t wave hello. But if our paths cross, it’s nice to see you.